It's a tired old cliche, but a week is a long time in football and it has felt a little bit longer for John Arne Riise. 4thegame.com casts an eye over the stories making the news and asks: "Will he ever score a better goal than that at the right end?"
MONDAY
Yesterday was derby day in the Premier League, and Newcastle United and Aston Villa emerged as the big winners. Michael Owen is the talk of the toon after scoring both goals in the Magpies' 2-0 defeat of Sunderland at St James' Park, while Villa hit five past Birmingham City in the Second City tussle at Villa Park. Great news for Martin O'Neill and Fabio Capello, who was looking on as English duo Ashley Young and Gabriel Agbonlahor found the net, less so for Alex McLeish, whose side are now below Bolton in the table. Bolton! Oh dear...
It's also getting pretty tight at the top of the table following another iffy performance from Manchester United at Blackburn. Sir Alex Ferguson's side needed a last minute Carlos Tevez header to cancel out Roque Santa Cruz's first half strike to take a point home from Ewood Park. It leaves them just three clear of Chelsea, but Ferguson is at least in buoyant mood, calling the display the performance of champions. It'd be far easier to take him seriously on that, of course, were it not for the return of Tevez's dummy celebration. How does he manage to keep that thing in place during the game?
Meanwhile, the usual media hoopla has begun as everyone (well, Liverpool and Chelsea fans) prepares for another clash of the titans between the two warring sides. Rafa Benitez gets the ball rolling by saying that Chelsea haven't really changed since Avram Grant arrived and that he doesn't miss Jose Mourinho, but that hasn't stopped the Special One chipping in. "Liverpool have to fight to win in all competitions and at least win a cup," he says. "If they don't, everyone will say the season was a failure. After the money Liverpool spent, they'll understand that." Is Jose paid for this, or does he just stir because he gets a kick from it...
TUESDAY
Predictably, it all continues today. Rafa Benitez reckons that Chelsea are "psychologically scarred" by their previous defeats at Anfield, but John Terry insists that the past will have no bearing on this match, and that his team is just concentrating on getting through to the final and making history. Meanwhile, Stevie G says in his usual slightly deluded way: "This team never knows when it's beaten. Some teams wilt and chuck it in when the going gets tough. That's not the case with us." No, Stevie. You just wilt and chuck it in when the game's all but won...
Yep, deep into stoppage time and with his side a goal up and taking a crucial step towards their third Champions League final in four years, John Arne Riise decides that it's all become a little bit predictable and heads an innocuous cross from Salomon Kalou into the back of the his own net. Neutrals everywhere celebrate as something of interest happens in another otherwise dire Liverpool vs Chelsea match, but Rafa Benitez is less than impressed. But who to blame? Himself? His player? Naaah...
"Of course I am disappointed with the officials' performance," howls the beardy one. "It's very difficult to understand because there were 94 or 95 minutes on the clock and I was surprised. It's not the first time this has happened to us and we are really disappointed." Disappointed in a referee's Champions League performance, eh? We're sure Arsenal fans will have something to say about that...
WEDNESDAY
Obviously keen to prove pundits wrong and show they too can play boring football which sucks the life out of fans, Manchester United slug out a snoozer in Barcelona in the second semi-final, and it's all Cristiano Ronaldo's fault. The Portuguese winger, who has scored more goals this season than we've had hot dinners, proves he is human after all by hitting a terrible penalty high and wide of Victor Valdes' goal in the second minute of the game at the Nou Camp.
Had it gone in, United would have been in the box seat for the second leg, but Ronaldo has vowed to make sure he and his team do not rue it. "I know I will score in the return game in Manchester next Tuesday," he explains after the match. "I'm always confident. I've 38 goals this season so it's not a problem if you miss one or two. I didn't change my style for taking the penalty. I've scored in that top corner before this season. If I get another penalty in Manchester I'll score."
And thankfully, he might have the chance to do that, because Sir Alex has insisted that he will actually allow his team to attack in the second leg. "Absolutely, no question about that. The game now starts at Old Trafford - it's the deciding game,' he says. "Barcelona have a lot of possession in all games, especially at home, and I am satisfied with the clean sheet - it was a professional performance." No, Sir Alex, it was a boring performance.
THURSDAY
So, that's two incredibly dull European games involving British teams in a week. Surely Rangers can't make it the hat-trick? Of course they can. Walter Smith's side play out a dour goalless draw with Fiorentina at Ibrox in the first leg of the UEFA Cup semi-finals. Naturally, Smith still reckons his side is strong enough to do what they've done in previous rounds and nick a crucial away goal in Italy to make it through to the final, but seriously, ask yourself this Walter: do you really WANT to win the UEFA Cup? It's probably more prestigious not to win it, you know.
Just because we're two days after the game at Anfield, doesn't mean we're out of the woods yet. Oh no, we've still got a whole other 90 (or possibly - gulp - 120) minutes of silken footy still to go. Steven Gerrard kicks off the hype for that match, saying that Liverpool won't be scared of going to Stamford Bridge (that is, of course, after spending much of this week insisting that Chelsea will be practically wetting themselves at the thought of travelling to Anfield), while poor old John Arne Riise has still got his mind fixed on Tuesday.
Says his brother, Lillestrom star Bjorn Helge Riise: "I tried getting in contact with John Arne after the game. Eventually he sent me back a text message saying, 'I don't want to speak. I'm so disappointed. Give me a call back in a couple of days and we'll speak then'." Frankly, we don't know what he's so bummed out about. It was a corking header, John. Sure, at the wrong end, but what you gonna do, eh?
FRIDAY
Thankfully for Riise, Newcastle and Manchester City are always good for a morale boosting laugh and they've produced the goods again today with their latest insane transfer targets. Despite insisting that he will only return to England to play for Arsenal, Thierry Henry is apparently top of the Magpies' hit list, while the old 'Ronaldinho to City' chestnut just won't go away. Thaksin Shinawatra and Sven Goran Eriksson are set to meet up to discuss the future in the coming days, and a move for Ronny is thought to be on the cards.
The transfer window wackiness doesn't stop there though. Real Madrid have been told by Chelsea that if they want to sign reportedly unsettled Didier Drogba they'll have to dig £18million out of their backpockets, while Rafa Benitez has decided that he wants to pretty much reshape his entire Liverpool team, with Gareth Barry, Philipp Degen, Antonio Valencia, David Bentley, Fernando Amorebieta and Albert Riera all on his hitlist. That's a lot of money for a guy who's at war with his board at the moment.
Meanwhile, it's the big title crunch match between Manchester United and Chelsea tomorrow. Normally this wouldn't be particularly amusing as both managers are prone to being miserable and tight-lipped on these occasions, especially as Jose Mourinho is no longer around to stir things up. But, as Avram Grant is particularly miserable and tight-lipped, he is prone to the odd clanger and this is a classic. "We don't want them to take the title here," he says, before hastily adding: "or to become champions at all." That's the spirit Avram. Pretend like you care.